Tuesday, May 25, 2010

As I watch my car being towed away

... It occurs to me that, clearly, I am doing this wrong. I am supposed to be glad that it overheated when I had some money to throw at it, glad that it happened before I moved out and had a million little things like dustpans and coffee filters and a bathroom rug to worry about. I am supposed to be thinking positive, that maybe its just the water pump and not the head gasket.

But I'm not. All I can think about is that the goddamn money was supposed to get me out of this house. It's almost my 37th birthday, and I can't go somewhere nice for the night. All I can think about is how the universe already HAS my good job and my house and my optimism and one of my cats, why does it need my car and freedom, too? The editors finally all write back, "no;" my clothes don't fit; the lousy cat I have left is going completely crazy in house where he's not welcome.

What do I need to do? I know I have flaws; I have done some crummy things in my 36.999 years on this Earth. I'm selfish and I hold on to resentment (obv).  But I have tried to be generous with what I have. I  always thought that I had potential to do great things.I just had to get past "this one obstacle."

Whether it was finishing a degree, getting out of a bad marriage, or relationship, moving across the country, changing from a crappy job--there was always something to deal with first. Now it it starts to become clear: there is no way out. Like the dream hallway that stretches on and on no matter how fast you dream-run. Just as I see some light, another stone is dropped into the gap. There will always be obstacles and I can either spend my life clawing for air or doing something else. Am I supposed to love this empty hallway? Love the stones and forget what I wanted on the other side? Maybe I am meant to work in a grocery store and live with my parents forever. I always thought that everything works out. Maybe it did, and this is as good as it gets for me.

It's just that I can't see how can that possibly be enlightenment.


Jeff_C said...

It may seem like a long endless hallway and that you are running in place - but there are things on the other side and doors that lead to better things. You may have to take tiny steps forward, but you will move ahead.

The Universe has taken some things from you, and it is a bastard for having done so. You have given it so much through your talents and have so much more to give.

I believe in you and know that you will get to where you need to be.

Chelsea said...

You are by far the greatest thing that I have found in this desert.