Monday, March 02, 2009

February, February... Where art thou, February?

Hey! It's gone. The whole month... kaput! Sucked into a vortex. Disappeared like matter in a black hole.

And what do I have to show for it? Pfft. Not much, frankly.

OK, I mean, I have some good memories: some lovely experiences, a few really great moments.(Granted, some shit too, but I could dwell on one or the other, couldn't I?)

But little writing (though Rogue posted my race report on their site, which was noice), little knitting (ok, one secret project that I can't tell you about)... so I ran a little. I ate out a lot (some really good food, some really great food, and some tex mex--which is good even when it's bad). I spent way too much time with a ridiculous monkey who refuses to be my boyfriend no matter how much he likes me (dumb or what?).

There is the possibility that I got a lil jobby that will last me here through the beginning of summer.

What's that you say?
But you were gonna leave before summer!!

Was gonna.

I didn't get all the purging done that I wanted to, but I also had to face a major change in my timeline that meant a change in the priority of the purging. Mainly, I can't move to New York next month. There is just no way. No job, no move. Am I totally crushed? Yes. Yes. Yes. YES.

"I can't move to New York next month" is like this big, stupid neon sign of FAILURE behind my eyelids everytime I blink. It means so much more than it should. It has come to stand for my ability to do anything right. This is retarded, I know. But I can't shake it. There seems to be so much shitty stuff I just can't shake these days, like if I don't hold on to every one of my feelings (especially the huge crappy ones) I won't have any thing to hold on to at all.

From where comes this bullshit? I once felt way more strong and sassy and motivated and awesome. Was I basing all of my self-worth on a job and a boyfriend this whole time? How the fuck can I get out from under the feeling THAT inspires?

There was so much stupid heartbreak this month... in every direction I could imagine!
Could March please be better? Please?

No comments: